forgotten

Don’t Let Her Be

Forgotten

Mixed Media on Canvas

4’ x 5’

2025

Remember those who were lost at this stage.

The suicidal ideation was so strong that I couldn’t walk past a toolbox without wanting to plunge a screwdriver through my ear or a hammer through my eye socket. It took every ounce of my being to keep my hands at my side. “Their depression was all encompassing,” they’d say about me if I had succeeded.

All the while, in doctor’s offices I had been pleading to get off the prescriptions for years. Eventually, my body ballooned into a swollen, bloated, poisoned version of itself. Multiple organs were “on watch” with numbers that were “alarming” but never disclosed with me (even after multiple attempts to access my chart).

I was prescribed medication in doses that could “take down a horse,” according to one external emergency department doctor who saw my chart. I didn’t take his concerns seriously, until he wanted the prescribing doctor’s information to file a malpractice suit on my behalf.

The prescriber’s response?

If I stopped taking the pills, my parents would stop loving me, disown me, and I’d end up dead in the street or a psychiatric ward as an abandoned ward of the state. It felt more like a breakup with an abusive ex, than a discussion of my health with a medical doctor.

Misdiagnosed and repeatedly denied assessments for autism and brain trauma, even though there was a history and high likelihood, they continued to diagnose and prescribe irrelevantly. I felt more like a guinea pig in a lab than a patient seeking healing. I had to go outside the system (and out of pocket) to receive competent, comprehensive, and unbiased assessments.

Cold-turkey almost killed me (don’t do it), but I lost my faith in the medical system. Since going off the medication, I’ve earned my master’s degree in geographic information science, received global, company-wide recognition for my virtual 3D interactive models in a short-lived corporate life, received an artist fellowship from a state agency, wrote some books, had an artist residency and solo show…

To the self-proclaimed healers of our community:

These discussions are not to be one-sided.

After a few minutes, you leave our presence.

We cannot escape our bodies.

Take our concerns seriously.

We are the experts of our lived reality,

not your observations/teachings/belief systems/textbooks/etc.